**************july joke thread**************

[winfred]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

[632 Regal]

wow... now we are ahead of time.

[CheapCheap1]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said,
"Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,
"Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,
"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".

[winfred]

i didn't want to post another june seeing that we are a couple days away

wow... now we are ahead of time.

[kevind89e34]

an englishman, a frenchman, and elle macpherson are sitting together in a train traveling through swizterland when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. there's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really large slap. when the train comes out of the tunnel, elle macpherson and the englishman are sitting as if nothing happened, and the frenchman is holding his slapped face.
the frenchman is thinking "that english chap must have kissed elle machperson and she swung at him, missed, and slapped me."
elle machpherson is thinking, "that french guy must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed th englishman, and got slapped for it".
and the englishman is thinking, " this is great. the next time the train goes through a tunnel, i'll make another kissing noise and slap that french guy again!!

[kevind89e34]

an englishman, a frenchman, and elle macpherson are sitting together in a train traveling through swizterland when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark. there's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really large slap. when the train comes out of the tunnel, elle macpherson and the englishman are sitting as if nothing happened, and the frenchman is holding his slapped face.
the frenchman is thinking "that english chap must have kissed elle machperson and she swung at him, missed, and slapped me."
elle machpherson is thinking, "that french guy must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed th englishman, and got slapped for it".
and the englishman is thinking, " this is great. the next time the train goes through a tunnel, i'll make another kissing noise and slap that french guy again!!

[winfred]

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke
a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...
You fancy comin' along?

[winfred]

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

[GJPinAU]

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his Mum was
watching him.

The kid had a bag of jelly beans. He put one jelly bean in his mouth,
grabbed the cat and bit it.

Then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his mouth, bit
the cat again and dropped down to the next step.

His mum, wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him.

"I'm playing truckies." said the kid, "Poppin pills, eating pussy and
movin'on."

[winfred]

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime