New Joke Thingie

[632 Regal]

there was this woman with no legs and no arms sitting on the ground crying, this guy walks by and stops and says "why are you crying?" and she replies "i've never been huged before.." so he gives her a hug and she smiles but then she starts crying again which makes the guy think wtf..so he asks again "whats wrong now?" and she replies "i've never been kissed before" so he looks both ways and kisses her when nobody is looking....she smiles and then starts to cry again ... so then hes getting just about done with her and asks again "whats wrong now????"" and she replies..."ive never been fucked before.." so he picks her up and throws her in the middle of the lake and yells there you go now your really fucked!

[winfred]

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies. "Zat is nutting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."

[Unregistered]

Anyone heard the one about the Gay Indian?






....Brave Sucker!

[rickm]

http://www.zug.com/classics.html

[winfred]

i love zug, that guy is weird, like when he was eating "all natural soaps and cleaners"

http://www.zug.com/classics.html

[winfred]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.

[winfred]

A woman is in a coma. The Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!! The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, and says, "I think she choked!!"

[winfred]

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not too much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her, and guaranteed it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked it it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well-behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone was quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Everyone turned around to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarassment.
All the next week she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church services. The parrot understood so next Sunday she put him on her shoulder and went to church. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Again the woman ran out of the church.
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution to her,,,,"If the parrot does that again, grab him by both legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times, then return him to your shoulder".
"That'll work?", asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!", exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and. sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!". Without hesistation, the woman grabbed his legs and swung him around half a dozen times and returned him to her shoulder.
A second later the parrot shook his head and said, "It's pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

[winfred]

Men And Women Are Different

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right uptheir.…

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, I feel so.....''(She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,''Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)''Yes,'' he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place,he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on,for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

[winfred]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar with money in it and a horse standing next to it. The bartender told the man to put a dollar in the jar and make the horse laugh. So the man put a dollar into the jar and told the horse something. Suddenly the horse began to laugh hysterically. The man took the money and left. The next day the man walked into the bar and saw the jar of money and the horse standing next to it. This time, the bartender told the man to make the horse cry. the man put a dollar in the jar, walked over to the horse, and the horse began to cry. The man took the money and as he was about to leave when the bartender asked him... "How did you do that?" the man replied, "On the first day, I told the horse my dick was longer than his, and on the second day, I showed him."

[632 Regal]

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was
only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,: "Take dees bucket, go into de
odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,
and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten
minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket,went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed
on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming
back to the doctor he said,: "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong
with me?"

The doctor said,: "You were homesick."

[632 Regal]

A truck driver stopped at a bar where he noticed a sign, "Nerds Not
Allowed. Enter at your own risk!" He went in and sat down at the bar.
When the bartender came over he sniffed and said, "I smell nerds. What do
you do for a living?"

"I'm a trucker. Right now I'm hauling a truck full of computers. Maybe
that's what you smell."

"Ok, no problem. What will you have?"

The trucker sat and sipped his beer. Soon in walked an obvious nerd. The
bartender didn't hesitate. He whipped out his shotgun and fired. Seeing
the trucker's shocked expression, he explained,

"You don't even need a license now. These nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley."

So the truck finished his beer and left. Back on the road he had to
suddenly swerve to avoid a stalled car. His load shifted and computers
spilled out of the truck and onto the expressway. Soon nerds were
everywhere, trying to get a free computer. The truck pulled out his gun and
started shooting. Immediately a police officer pulled up and ordered the
trucker to stop.

"What's wrong, Officer, I thought nerds were in season."

"Well sure," replied the cop, "but you can't bait 'em!"

[632 Regal]

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to different words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, they would be a tragedy.

"No", says the Great Jesse Jackson", that would be an accident.

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 30 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not", explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss".

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who give me an example of a tragedy"?

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. IN a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Fantastic"! exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well", says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".

[winfred]

i love it. a lot

"Well", says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".