**************** August Joke Thread *****************

[gale]

a little campaign humor :D
(ROLFLMAO)

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d0a842c3d2

[mattyb]

What do clouds and women have in common?
When they fuck off you know its gonna be a good day!

[mattyb]

Q. Do you want a new 8GB NokiaN95 Including 10,000 txts & 1000 mins freetime, any network. With it you get a 52" Sony HD LCD TV, + 160GB Ipod nano + a fully a stocked crown lager mini-fridge. Its a 6 month minimum contract & 12.50 per month!!!!

Simply log onto www.dreamoncunt.com

[indierthanthou]

You must have misread. This is the August JOKE thread. Jokes are supposed to be funny. Kind of like this:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: " Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

[ironie]

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn´t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife:
"Honey, I´ll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I´m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I´m going to have a beer."

The wife said:
"You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn´t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
"Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar.. you know... they have frozen glasses..."

He didn´t get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying:
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said:
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d´oeuvres that are really delicious... I won´t be long. I´ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d´oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d´oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there´s swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D´OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN´T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?" .

[GJPinAU]

Bran Muffins
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?," grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?," he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[GJPinAU]

Classic Clarkson quotes
>
>
> "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of
> the people carriers. Not
> that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
> "Ooh good I've got
> syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
> diseases."
>
> "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not
> driving it is a bit like
> having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on
> the couch. If you've
> got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
>
>
> .."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was
> when a politician
> stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of
> paper in the air saying
> there will be no war with Germany"
>
> "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country
> with no word for w****r"
>
> On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine
> this in black, with tan
> leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
>
> Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It
> couldn't pull a greased
> stick out of a pig's bottom'
>
> On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
> "there is a word to describe this car: it begins
> with "s" and ends with
> "t" and its not "soot".
> Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
> Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly
> terrible: this is another
> league of badness!"
>
> "some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at
> homeless people - and
> that he long before anyone else realised that Jade
> Goody is a racist pig
> faced waste of blood and organs............all we
> know, is that he's
> called the Stig!"
>
> "the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like
> unprotected sex with an
> Ethiopian transvestite"
>
> "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming
> stationary... That's
> what gets you."
>
> 'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an
> asthmatic sitting in the
> dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
>
> "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more
> comfortable. More comfortable
> than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
> "The only person to ever look good in the back of a
> 4-seater convertible
> was Adolf Hitler"
>
> (Fed up during the caravanning trip): "You aren't
> allowed to have a party,
> you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed
> to play ball games,
> you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to
> park within two feet
> of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in
> bed by eleven. This
> is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
>
> (Mercedes CLs55): "Braking in this car is so brutal,
> it would be less
> painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to
> miss."
>
> "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people
> have to get to places
> quicker than I do?"
>
> Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in
> the motorcars domain,
> they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right
> to be on the road,
> some of them even believe they are going fast enough
> to not be an
> obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
>
> "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came
> across a letter from a
> reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when
> this red Ferrari
> pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
> Clarkson shouted 'Get a
> car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get
> a car you hatchet
> faced, leaf-eating N**i."
>
> "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed
> unsafe...probably because
> they don't have wheel-chair access"
>
> 1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus,
> it can only live in
> the air for 6 seconds and it takes 10 years to do
> what ebola does to you
> in 10 days!"
> 2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I
> mean the blokes a bit
> dodgy"
> 3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for
> democracy!!!
> "Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the
> 12 year old Cuban
> prostitutes which way her parents voted"
>
> "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't
> feature enough
> affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off
> tonight with the
> cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
>
> On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the
> entire French Air Force
> crashing into a firework factory."
>
> "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two
> engines on the back
> because of three very important reasons. One:
> weight. This is 600 Lbs and
> that's the same as having a whole American sitting
> on the tailgate..."
>
> In the olden days I always got the impression that
> TVR built a car, put it
> on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually
> when one of their
> customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
> dead he was.
>
> "the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created,
> not even when God was
> on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo,
> could fit into them."
>
> Assessing Hammond's crash:
> Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre
> is starting to come
> apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
> Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
> Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can
> be in the office on
> the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at
> me, wife etc, but if
> a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
> "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like
> being well-behaved...for a
> murderer."
>
> "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it
> is an animals duty to
> be on my plate at supper time"
>
> "There are footballers wives that would be happy
> with this quality of
> stitching... on their face"
>
> "Racing cars which have been converted for road use
> never really work.
> It's like making a hard core adult film, and then
> editing it so that it
> can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up
> with a sort of half hour
> close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
>
> "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might
> imagine. Think of it, if you
> like, as a librarian with a G-string under the
> tweed. I do, and it helps."
>
> "you can't have this car with a diesel, its like
> saying, I wont go to
> stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a
> lapdance, she's a
> woman!"
>
> Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American
> equivalent of a sports
> car...
> in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
> equivalent of a
> President.
>>
> Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly,
> I have seen more
> attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the
> sex appeal of a camel
> with gingivitis."
>
>> "We start tonight with the highlight of my
> childhood. It's the Ladybird
> Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would
> imagine it's full of rubbish
> really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
> get to page 40, where
> you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when
> I was little, was
> like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
> together.
> With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
>
> About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things
> I'd rather be doing
> than driving it, including waiting for Bernard
> Manning to come off stage
> in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back
> clean."

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Sex In The Shower
In a recent survey, people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.




The other 14% said they had never been to prison ....

[mattyb]

whatever

[Barney Paull-Edwards]

Rugby is the proper game played with an eliptical ball,,,,,,,,,,
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

' OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[GJPinAU]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're
Supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
Your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down
To two butts a day.'


*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!! *

[winfred]

In Louisiana, this fella, Boudreaux, had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine"? the lawyer asked.
Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . "
I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and! said , "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder.. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at
me, and said 'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?!"

[BigKriss]

i understood your sense of humour

whatever

[winfred]

Three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen, Were Sitting Naked In A Sauna. Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The Young Woman Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The Others Looked At Her Questioningly. 'that Was My Pager,' She Said. I Have A Microchip Under The Skin Of My Arm.

A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young Woman Lifted Her Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained, 'that Was My Mobile Phone. I Have A Microchip In My Hand.'

The Older Woman Felt Very Low -tech. Not To Be Out Done, She Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive. She Stepped Out Of The Sauna And Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A Piece Of Toilet Paper Hanging From Her Rear End.

The Others Raised Their Eyebrows And Stared At Her.
The Older Woman Finally Said.........well, Will You Look At That....i'm Getting A Fax!!

[attack eagle]

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
"Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

[attack eagle]

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
"Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

[attack eagle]

Sexual Olympics


A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

[attack eagle]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

[attack eagle]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

[ryan roopnarine]

http://web000.greece.k12.ny.us/SocialStudiesResources/Social_Studies_Resources/GHG_Documents/Russia%20Democracy%20Political%20Cartoon%2001.04.j pg

[GJPinAU]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[GJPinAU]

Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, you might enjoy reading this...'Walking Eagle' Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how HE had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, HE seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

[winfred]

An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this Transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[winfred]

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 for?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

[e34.535i.sport]

What kind of BEE makes milk???

[winfred]

Tia Tequila might seem unattainable, but deep down she’s just a regular girl…a regular girl with a dad who fucked up real, real bad. We recently caught up with the sexy star of A Shot at Love and asked her for some frank advice about modern dating.

* Ladies, having standards is important, but make sure they aren’t too high. Remember, the “perfect man” is just a fairytale, like Bigfoot or HIV.
* Guys, nothing kills a date faster than bad manners. Not offering your date a Valtrex isn’t just thoughtless, it’s downright rude.
* Speaking of bad manners, if you don’t open doors for me, I don’t open my legs for you…unless you have money. Then it doesn’t really matter.
* Guys, if you’re at dinner and the waiter starts to flirt with your date, calmly stand up, smash a wine glass on the table, hold the shards of glass to his neck and demand that he respect you. Anything less and your girl will think you’re a pussy.
* If you smell raw fish and we’re not at a sushi restaurant, DON’T comment on it.
* Ok guys, you’ve already paid for an expensive meal. Now it’s time to go the extra mile. Offer to hold back your date’s hair as she regurgitates her food in the parking lot. Extra points if you have a mint waiting!
* Ladies, he’s there to make you feel special, so don’t be afraid to order a side of “balls in your mouth” at dinner.
* Remember, you can’t buy your way into a girl’s bedroom. Try using coke.
* Guys, when you’re on your first date and the girl starts blowing you, don’t push down on her head. That’s way too forward and could make her gag and vomit on your cock before she’s ready too.
* No condom, no problem! Remember girls; no one ever had a butt baby.
* Ladies, isn’t it annoying when you’re on a date with a guy and he asks you where he should “finish”? He knows we’re just going to scoop it up and eat it regardless of where it lands, so why does he ask?
* Exploring bi-sexuality is a great way to broaden your horizons. It’s also a great way to say “fuck you” to your dad for not buying you that pony you wanted when you were nine.
* Don’t assume that just because a girl is bisexual she wants to make out with your gal pals…unless your gal pals wear cherry chapstick and have tight labias. Then you can assume whatever you like.
* If you do find yourself attracted to someone of the same sex, don’t be ashamed. Curiosity is perfectly natural, just like fisting or being raped by your uncle.
* My biggest rule for any date is to be yourself…unless of course it’s “sweeps week” and Mort from Viacom’s marketing department tells you to be more of a whore. Trust me, he might look out of touch, but that heeb knows how to pull in the 18-to 25-year-old demographic.
* Remember, you can take the girl out of the third-world prostitution ring, but you can’t take the third-world prostitution ring out of the girl.

[gale]

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat. The only seat left
was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French
woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that
seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is
using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat
left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit
down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are
also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked
up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat
down.

The woman shrieked,

"Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you
Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem
to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[winfred]

Thoughts From a Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

[winfred]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:



'Is that one word, or two?'

[winfred]

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children and grandchildren. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm
glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

[ryan roopnarine]

http://i38.tinypic.com/2rx9vle.jpg

[ryan roopnarine]

Boudreaux done got old and his childen dun put him in the old folks home near Beau Bridge, Louisiana where he dun met a lovely lady dat were from Texas.

Now Boudreaux being a fine upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do nutin dat were aganst his religion, no. So he dun propose marriage.

Now both Boudreaux and Mable were in their 80's. Mable went and tole everyone at the Senior Citizens home the good news.

Irene, Mable's best friend tole her that since she was very wealthy and the person she was about to wed was, well to say the least not worth much and she should insist on a Prenuptial Agreement.

Mable was sitting on the porch swing with Boudreaux and she tole him she would marry him providing he would sign a prenuptial agreement. Boudreaux dun tole Mable "I'll sign agreement, you bet, 'cause I luv you so much."

Mable got out her pen and paper and started:

She said, "I want to keep my house down in Texas with all the oil wells." He said, "That's fine with me. I'll keep my shak on the bayou."

She said, "I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and Lexus." He said, "That's fine with me. I'll keep my pick 'em up truck.

She said, "I want to keep my yacht that is moored near my summer home in Padre Island, Texas." He said, "That's fine with me. I'll keep my pirogue on the bayou.

She said, "I want to keep all my jewelry." He said, "That's fine with me."

She said, "I want to have sex 6 times a week." He said, "Put me down for Fridays."

[winfred]

"Give it here!"

"NO. It's MINE!"

"I said, let me have it!"

"NO! It's MY turn!"

"C'mon! Give it to me!"

"NO WAY!"

(Siamese twins jacking off)

[winfred]

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef

1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the big one is done.
You can do the same with 2 legs of Lamb

[whiskychaser]

What kind of BEE makes milk???

Boo ?

Its the way you tell 'em:D